|Cast: Christian Slater,
Robert C. Bruce,
Director(s): Uwe Boll
Website: Click Here
OK, I've waxed poetic about the evils of Uwe Boll on this site in prior reviews...
So, WHY o WHY, dear reader do I persist in WATCHING his trash!!?!?! Am...I........DAFT?!
I really do think I have a problem. Call it the bad-B-movie version of alcoholism...B-ism?
Anyways, in my (or god forbid, Uwe's) defense, the movie isn't as EXCEEEDINGLY bad as it's ONE (1)% rating on the Tomatometer suggests...though it is pretty bad.
Not Raging Sharks/Alien 3000 bad, mind you, but bad.
It stars Tara Reid as a PhD Archeolgist fer chrissakes!!!
All in all, it was pretty much on par with "House of the Dead" which had some semi-decently choreographed fight sequences, but essentially you just didn't know WHAT THE FUCK was going on because the plot (and I use the term loosely) continuity was non-existant and, well, the movie just didn't make much sense.
Example: a couple of the "Marines" break off from their unit and investigate a "noise" on the second level. After radio'ing in, one of the pair ask "WHERE IS OUR BACKUP!?!" only to be told they're cut off and on their own. Suddenly you hear monster noise and the pair tense up...This is basic movie language stating that they are essentially screwed. BUT the movie cuts away and back to the main characters and NEVER explains what happened to the pair...I mean, what the fuck?!?!?!
Is it possible that I might find a job in Hollywood simply watching movies and commenting on obvious continuity errors like this?!?! Are there not people that DO this sort of stuff...!?!?
I give it 1 star 'cuz this site doesn't have half-stars. I won't BOMB it, because the first 10 minutes actually made the film seem promising...
P.S. Next: Seed of Chucky! I'm sick...I really am....
I do like some of the one-liners that the critics gave it in their review headers:
"The three stars have seen better days, but I'd like to think they could still do something classier and more dignified than this. Like gay porn."
-- Rob Vaux, FLIPSIDE MOVIE EMPORIUM
"Actually has an entire group of adults call out to a lost comrade, 'Marco!' What does he expect the audience to do when they hear that? I mean, come on."
-- Fred Topel, ABOUT.COM
"Saying Uwe Boll?s Alone in the Dark is better than his 2003 American debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV."
-- Nicholas Schager, SLANT MAGAZINE
"Somewhere, Ed Wood is resting pretty comfortably right now."
-- Scott Weinberg, EFILMCRITIC.COM
Tee hee, I have glasses...I be smart...!
Funny.....now that Mikey is registered as a POT, this movie appears in the POT column.....there goes all the POT cred. WWJS? (What would Jason say?)
That's just Derek's crappy programming, apparently ALL my reviews are attached to my name and now that I've bailed on you ungrateful PLONTers, ALL my reviews have followed me.
Not that I want to be a POT, either...I just want to be...
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