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Alien 3000 (2005)

Cast: Lorenzo Lamas, Priscilla Barnes

Director(s): Jeff Leroy

Language: English

Genre: Horror

Synopsis

After a series of brutal, unexplained murders in a remote forest, a rogue military unit is recruited to hunt for whoever - or whatever - has rendered the attacks. In order to carry out the investigation, they need the help of the only survivor, Kate (Megan Molloy). But first they have to get her released from the mental institution she's been confined to since the horrific attack.

 

Papamikey wrote on August 2, 2005, 11:09 am
Comment
My sister said she rented this this weekend and after her description AND the synopsis AND this fellow's review (below) I HAVE GOT GOT GOT TO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!! Will it give "Boa vs. Python" a run for its money!?

Author: willywants

If you're looking for a B movie with cringe-inducing dialog, horrid production values and deliciously awful special effects, you've rented?or, Lord have mercy on you're soul, bought?the right movie. Everything about the film is cheap and laughable. The special effects, as one would imagine, are the funniest aspect of this film. The alien creature is brought to life by a combination of hideously bad CGI and a slightly less awful man-in-a-suit, either way it looks stupid and cheesy. The miniatures are among the worst in motion picture history. The toy helicopter, the remote controlled Ford F-150 pick-up (substituting for a Jeep pick-up in non-effects scenes--I love how the makers even left in real-sized shrubbery just to make it look worse), and the explosion of the "Paranormal research" headquarters were all so pitiful that I was laughing until tears blurred my vision. The gore effects were unimpressive but abundant, and as another viewer mentioned, the splitting-in-two of a character's head was especially bad.

I'll give the film credit where credit is due?the lead actress, Megan Molloy, Was very good, and deserves better roles than this. Everything else is bad--but entertainingly so. Highly recommended for fans of crappy movies.
kimberly wrote on August 2, 2005, 11:16 am
Rated
I could only watch about 20 minutes of this( and i love a good b movie) it was so awfull, the opening scene the main girl i think had real hair then 2 minutes late had a wig?? the death scenes were so horribly done.. i am @ a loss for words. my hubby stayed @ watched the whole thing??
motleymitch wrote on August 5, 2005, 1:11 am
Comment
I saw this in the rental store the other day and laughed my ass off thinking, "Ah, SOMEDAY.....but I'll have to wait for Mikey..."
Well, I'm waiting....
Papamikey wrote on November 13, 2005, 8:41 pm
Rated
ZING!

SO, here\\\\\\\'s the situation (my parents went away on a week\\\\\\\'s vacation...), during the \\\\\\\"Summer of George\\\\\\\" reunion tour, the lads and I all went and filled our bellies with Works burgers and many a beer.

After watching classics like \\\\\\\"Top Secret\\\\\\\" and \\\\\\\"History of the World Part 1\\\\\\\" (plus some Dave Chapelle skits...\\\\\\\"Is Wayne Brady gonna have to CHOKE a bitch!?\\\\\\\"), I INSISTED we turn this into what the SUMMER OF GEORGE IS ALL ABOUT: low-brow B-movies!

Having remembered this gem from my sister and her claim that it was INTOLERABLE past the 20 minute mark, it was a DONE deal...I motored over to Rogers video and rented this puppy.

...........................egads.

EVEN << I >>, the duly elected LEADER of PLONT, had to concur with the verbal, mental, spiritual and physical lashings I received from all watching this (and I use the term LOOSELY) movie.

Even MITCH, who\\\\\\\'s usually my commrade-in-arms with these B-movie trash-fests pulled the chute around the 2/3rds point...

Sigh.

I\\\\\\\'m BIG enough of a man to admit when I\\\\\\\'ve err\\\\\\\'ed and with this, I ERR\\\\\\\'ed on a gargantuan scale...

To paraphrase Monty Python, \\\\\\\"this is not a movie for enjoying, this a movie for lying down and avoiding...\\\\\\\"

To further paraphrase the song \\\\\\\"19\\\\\\\": \\\\\\\"I didn\\\\\\\'t really know what was going on...\\\\\\\"

BOMBS AWAY!

Papa Mikey!
Hopefully still the leader of PLONT once the spin crews are done cleaning up this debacle...

Hold on to your cookies, \\\\\\\'cuz HERE\\\\\\\'s the monster...rarrr! (oops, sorry...**SPOILER**)

suaveay wrote on November 14, 2005, 8:15 am
Rated
Mike, you suck. You insist we watch the shitstorm of a movie, then don't have the courage to stand by your recommendation, posting that half-ass apology.

Not only was this movie SO BAD that I find myself forced to actually comment here, but what made it worse was the fact that you fascistically insisted we watch the ENTIRE THING, to prove some sort of half-baked point.

Kim was right. Twenty minutes was about all I could stand. That we were forced to watch beyond minute 21 brings me nothing but hate and sadness.

Any trolls out there, listen up: This movie was NOT "so bad it's funny!" - it went right through "so bad it's funny," do not pass Go, do not collect $200, and right back into "this is just bad."

COMPLETE BOMB. I want that hour and a half of my life back.
Deril wrote on November 14, 2005, 8:32 am
Comment
Sounds like MIke took you all for a ride. You should have tied him down and forced him to watch Total Recall over & over & over.....
kimberly wrote on November 14, 2005, 9:02 am
Comment
told you....
Papamikey wrote on November 14, 2005, 9:15 am
Comment
"don't have the courage to stand by your recommendation"...??!

At WHAT point did I actually RECOMMEND this film...? I told you guys then and there that I had made a mistake and that they would probably make up for it in "Alien 4000" which we'll watch next year. What can I say? I thought it would be B-movie kitsch funny...it was not, I admit it and YES I do regret it. NOW RELAX.

What I'm jonesing for now is for them to watch this on (the numerically aptly named) Mystery Science Theatre 3000...

MasterWoodsman wrote on November 14, 2005, 1:19 pm
Rated
I vote that we take the producers of this "movie" out in back with a shotgun, and I think we should throw Papa Mikey in also.

This definitly qualified as the worst movie I've seen this year. This movie was originally called "Unseen Evil 2" which is a far more accurate title than this vague alien one. I think they were trying to consfuse renters into thinking this was a semi-sequel to a good series.

The special effects were just plain awful. Laughably bad, in fact. The sets were non-existant. I loved how the two "stars" of the movie appeared for a combined total of 8 minutes. The writing was also juvenile. So many plot problems. I mean, a gold-eating cave-dwelling invisible alien? Gimme a break.

Avoid at all costs. Nothing is worth the pain and suffering caused by viewing this movie.
Papamikey wrote on November 14, 2005, 2:25 pm
Comment
I was actually taken aback by JUST HOW angry you guys were towards this movie and further towards myself.

It was my understanding that it was SUPPOSED to be a "B-Movie" festival, it was SUPPOSED to be a thing of beauty...

Speaking of which...

kimberly wrote on November 14, 2005, 4:30 pm
Comment
um pig.
motleymitch wrote on November 15, 2005, 2:48 am
Rated
I've seen detergents that leave a better film than this.

As bad as this movie was, and it was HORRID, there were two good things that came out of it.
(But I'm still bombing it back to the stone age.)

1) The very opening scene, where the young couple are making out and her top immediately comes off. It's not just the nudity, it's the way the third character who was spying on them saw the boobies perfectly in the frame of the binoculars. What a fit! It was missing a squeaking soapy farty sponge, though.

2) The brilliant (and by brilliant, I mean ignorantly bad) use of the term "Viking Conquistador", and the steam that came out of Rob's ears thereafter.

Of course, this was all before Kim's 20-minute mark of giving-up, which we insisted on passing, and then ignored altogether, sadly.
The 'Predator'-style invisible-beast special FX were loathsome, the CGI alien reminded me of lesser video games circa the 'Double Dragon' era,
and the rubber mask version of the alien...oy vey.

I hold no ill-willed grudge against Mikey for renting it. No one physically stopped him (but they will next time). It's what PLONT is all about. However, we'll try to make a better group selection next time. Like "Dead Alive VIII: The Convulsening!".
suaveay wrote on February 19, 2006, 1:06 pm
Comment
Dear gods, the Viking Conquistador. I had blocked that out.

Fuck, they should make a movie called "Viking Conquistador."

No, wait, then Mikey would insist we watch the rat-infested dungheap. Gah.
motleymitch wrote on February 19, 2006, 1:33 pm
Comment
No one told me viking conquistadors were so hot!

What's your rating of this movie?

 

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