|Cast: Al Galvez, Alby Castro, Julia "Ryanne" Ruiz, Giovanni Bejarano, Jay Costelo |
Director(s): Mallachi Brothers Mallachi Brothers
Website: Click Here
Terrible... terrible... terrible...
An embarassingly bad set... (a train with frosted windows, and ripped vinyl seats); stock footage passing for exteriors (yet, about 10 different trains, which are all supposed to be the same one...); about 15 passengers on the train (despite the moniker of "100 Trapped Passengers"); about 20 snakes (despite empty promises of thousands of vipers - actually mostly garter snakes and distinctly non-viper pythons...); and an ending that amounted essentially to god cleanin' up the mess.
Good lord was this ever terrible.
However, I give it a half star (i.e., the silver lining of the "bomb" rating) for ironic stupidity, and for breaking all laws of thermodynamics... (and for killing off the one child...)
SO ludicrously bad (even more so since 'Snake On A Plane' came out this year), but I will give it one star
based on the fact that the bizarre ending kinda came out of left field and we were all like, 'What the...???'
Too much *ahem* 'character development' until the snakes really got loose in the last ten minutes.
Many story lines which we wondered how they were gonna wrap up before movie's end.....Solution: let the snakes kill everyone and that'll wrap up all loose ties! Plus, the cursed woman can TURN INTO a snake, and grow in size uber-fast to such a degree that she EATS the frickin' train, and then a hole opens up in the sky and a tornado whisks the snake away....the end! Oh Mexico....we wish you made more films like this. Maybe with the percentage of the rental fee we paid you can make another location set for your next film: Who Killed The Snakes In The Electric Car?
p.s. - kudos for nastily killing off the one child on the train.
oops....forgot my rating....
Were the non-birthday manos participants all killed?
No reviews from Mikey, Robbie or D-bor! What's goin' on?!
Let's try that again...
Oh don't get your britches in a knot...I've been busy fer crissakes!
OK...again! "SNAKES ON A TRAIN" a direct to video rushed production to capitalize on the semi-surging Internet buzz generated by Snakes on a Plane. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT!?!? Oscar worthy productions!?!?
I'm not going to paint myself in a corner by trying to DEFEND this movie, it WAS bad. But DAMN if it didn't have the most slapped together "written by a 5 year old" quick-fix ending!! ANd for THAT (plus the usual cheering for a 5 second glimpse of a girl's rack) I give it 2 stars.
"and then....um, the snake-lady...um....BECOMES a snake..yeah! YEAH! and then she EATS the man and then races around zoom and um.....then goes OUT of the train and grows BIGGGG BIGGG BIGGG like the sky and EATS the train! Then a tornado comes and sucks him away the end"
- Directors 5-year old son.
Talk about a B-movie! Everthing was very cheap. The only thing that actually stood out a bit was the perfect exposure throughout the film. The rest was just sheer garbage, from the dialog to the plot to the sets.
Each scene was boring as hell as well. They went way too long, and sometimes even came back to retell the scene over again from the same perspective. Boooorrinnng.
The woman turning into the snake and then breaking all laws of mass-related physics such that she grows large enough to consume the train was a joy after 60 minutes of tedium.
This movie really deserves a bomb, but I'm giving it 1 star simply to emphasise how much Ilsa required a bomb.
Truly deserving of the MANOS Seal (TM) of Disapproval. Awful from beginning to end with NO saving graces.
So bad it's hilarious.
One star, simply because this ridiculous system STILL doesn't have half-a-star.
I can't believe what I'm reading. This sounds like the worst ending ever. Did it really do down like that? Wow. The 6 of us should sit down and come up with something. Maybe we can make a movie too. Any takers?
Snakes In The Rain, or Snakes Ate My Brain, or Snakes Down The Drain....the possibilities are endless
How about 'The Snakes In Spain Fall Mainly On The Plain'?
And yes, it really went down like that. Within ten minutes, the snakes were released, characters killed off, lady turns into giant snake which eats whole train, survivors jump off caboose at last moment before train is devoured, snake gets whisked into the air by God-Tornado. The End.
Or is it?? MUH-WAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!
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